Double Rainbow
2:55 PM
I found myself sitting in the ER trying not to cry too
loudly, waiting for my husband to arrive.
My friend Susie had offered to stay with me but I just wanted to be
alone. I knew what the doctor was going
to tell us and I was beyond devastated that my body wasn’t cooperating
again. When I saw Mike walking towards
me, I fell apart. We wanted to start our
family so badly and, subconsciously, we both knew this wouldn’t be it. We sat quietly, me trying to keep my sobs to
a minimum, until we were taken back. 3
hours later, we were sent home to wait.
Wait for a miscarriage but no one used those words. This felt all too familiar and I think we
both had flashbacks to the few months prior when we lost our first baby at 10
weeks.
We spent the next week laying in bed together, watching
movies. The process started in the early
morning hours of a normal Tuesday. I
crawled into the shower and cried for awhile before I finally called Mike
in. He got on the phone with my OB/GYN
and by the look on his face it seemed everyone had known the fate of this
little baby long before we had come to terms with the idea.
You become a shell of yourself for a time when you lose a
baby but eventually you feel like you’ll get another shot at it. When you miscarry two times in a row, it
feels hopeless. Like you’re letting
everyone down. The discussion turns to
the best fertility doctors and if adoption is the right option for you and your
husband. Having a baby becomes a
process, one that is exhausting and comes with many “crying in the car by
yourself” sessions. But I wanted a baby,
I wanted a family with my husband. I
endured a litany of tests and multiple tubes of blood being drawn to see if I
was “defective”. I heeded advice from
anyone who offered a suggestion or knew someone who had been through our
situation. The thought crossed my mind
that maybe Mike and I weren’t a match. Google
told me many different underlying disorders that either one of us possibly had.
And then a year after starting this process (short by
infertility standards), I felt funny. I
took a pregnancy test way too early to know for sure but it screamed “PREGNANT”
before the timer had gone off. Mike and
I were elated but cautious. Then it was
week 6 and the technician saw two sacks.
“Wow that’s cool technology, a double image of the baby!” I say to the
tech, “No that’s twins Steph”. And then I’m surprising Mike and I’m sick for
weeks on end with a little tiny scare.
The babies are fine, a lot of women bleed just a bit in the first 12
weeks. We’re announcing to friends and
family and co-workers at 16 weeks just to be safe. We find out the twins are boys at 20 weeks
and then it’s a whirlwind and the boys are born at 35. It was over before it
began.
They say the first baby that comes after a miscarriage is
called a rainbow baby and here I was holding the new loves of my life. My saddest and hardest time was over. At the end of a devastating storm, we had a
double rainbow. A rare double rainbow we
named Campbell and Lucas.
3 comments
Beautiful Steph!!! I just got chills! Xoxo
ReplyDelete(Dominique)
Love these 2 rainbows! And you! Can't wait to read more :)
ReplyDeleteWhat a beautiful story to motherhood--thank you for sharing; I trust that your difficult and winding path has made you stronger, and more grateful, than you ever thought possible. So happy for you! Double the blessings, doubly deserved ��
ReplyDelete